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2017 Summer Dual Give-Aways (winners posted)

9K views 100 replies 33 participants last post by  Partsguy198 
#1 · (Edited)
(Winners posted!)

This thread is now open!

Prize #1 is one Cyclops 7000 H4 and is open to all EOBA winners. No other badges needed. Post just once and tell us a good joke to enter! All get an equal opportunity to win.

Prize #2 is also one Cyclops 7000 H4 and is open to all other (non-EOBA) members. Each member who wants-in needs only to post their favorite joke in this thread and say they want in.
Only post once: Free members will get one entry but Premium members will get two entries. Lifetime members will get three entries. Your premium/lifetime badge must be visible in your posts and profile by the time winners are chosen in order to get the extra chances to win.
See:
http://www.rswarrior.com/forums/payments.php

Winners will be drawn at random. I will probably old-skool-it and write all names on paper and mix them in a literal hat and draw one for each.

Winners will be drawn sometime between July 1st and 4th. Probably. Might be sooner if I need to go riding for a few weeks of sanity!

Just to disclose, I am buying these at a discount from a member here who happens to be a Cyclops dealer. When the time comes I will share his name but first need to figure out how to avoid bumping into the Vendor rules.

That's all there is too it!
 
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#3 · (Edited)
The 'In' Crowd!
Lifetime: (×3) outlawarrior, shamelessmt, rij1, Wizzy.
Premium: (×2)
Free: (×1) heftysmurf, lilcc, joshuaerdman, robbskllz, brizzman, harri20, stretch, mcnorris, afoley90, sandytows, redneck_racecar, yamaweezle, tapeworm, mead_money, petersik, diesel_warrior, slickrick07.

EOBA:
Tomba, stellman, leaderduece, christok, rcoligan.

They have arrived!
 

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#5 · (Edited by Moderator)
To enter you need to post a good joke Doc!
No worries on over the pond I have it just jump-in with your best funny!

i'd like to be considered please ... to keep the field even ...i'd pay over the pond costs

:)
 
#25 ·
The Magician

One day our man was called to his aunt’s solicitor’s office.

‘Well young man your late aunt has left you a tidy sum of money!’
You’re now a millionaire, and all you have to do to is care for her
favourite pet Gertrude… and at that very moment a large multi-
coloured parrot landed on his shoulder ‘Hallo...hallo!!’
Oh I see she already likes you, well that’s very good, because a condition
your aunt’s will is that she should live happily until she dies naturally.

How old is she? Oh I believe she’s getting on for 10 years now, but
you’ll be pleased to hear parrots can live for 25 or more years, but
here I must stress that if she was to die otherwise, you would forfeit
the rest of your inheritance, and as executor, I’m obliged to make
regular checks on her welfare, now just sign here, and you can both be
on your way.

Now this seemed bearable to the young man, nothing would stop his
ambition to become the most famous magician in the world.
With his new found wealth and unusual muse, he soon hit the bright lights
but Gertrude also rose to the occasion… perched as always on his shoulder
she began…’it’s in his hat!.. it’s up his sleeve!.. it’s the ace of spades!..’
He was laughed off the stage again and again and again. It was too much
to bear, the parrot had to go!.. but how to keep the money and lose the bird?

A few days later he noticed an advert in the paper for a ships magician.
That’s it he cried, that’s it!.. Long John’s Parrot has an accident at sea...
‘That’s it that’s it!! cried Gertrude!

And a few weeks later they were on board ship, and Gertrude was on a roll.
‘Pieces of eight… pieces of eight!... it’s in his hat!.. it’s up his sleeve!...’
Night after night after night, until one night after the show, the seas roared
and boat rocked, and just as he was about to toss dear Gertrude overboard,
the ship sank without a trace!

There were just two survivors in one small raft bobbing on the waves,
the magician at one end and Gertrude the other! Silence reigned, the sun went
down and the sun came up. No-one spoke, the sun went down and the sun
came up, and no one spoke, then suddenly Gertrude spoke…


‘Alright, I give up!.. what’ve you done with the boat!?
 
#11 ·
I don't want to be entered into the drawings, but I have some bad jokes... :eek:

What did Helen Keller say about a cheese grater? ...It was the most violent book she had ever read!

What did Helen Keller say about a basketball? ... It was the longest book she had ever read. :eek:
 
#14 ·
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, ?That?s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ******* !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"

Officer responds, ?Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile ?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ******* ?"

Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Three men were sentenced to be executed by guillotine; a priest, a Muslim, and a RSWarrior Forum Member.

First was the priest and he asked that he face upwards so he could look at Heaven and his Creator. His wish was granted and the blade fell, but stopped 1/2 inch from his neck. The executioner said since the guillotine spared him, so was his life and he was allowed to leave.

Next was the Muslim and he asked that he also be allowed to face upwards to look to Allah before his death. Again the guillotine stopped just short and his life was spared as well.

The RSWarrior Forum Member was last and he too asked to face upwards given what happened with the first two. As he lay there, he looked up at the mechanism and said, "Aha, i see the problem!".
 
#17 ·
I WANT IN.....

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.
 
#27 ·
count me in

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Love the Dad's reply!

"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
 
#31 ·
I want in.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
 
#32 ·
I want in.

Everyday Little Johnny walks to school with his dad. One day while walking they go past two dogs having sex. Johnny asked his dad what the dogs are doing and dad says "well son that's a boy dog and a girl dog and they're making a puppy." Johnny ponders this the rest of the way to school. That night after dinner Johnny is tucked into bed about to fall asleep when he hears strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. He gets up walks out of his bedroom and without knocking opens the door to his parents room. Inside he sees daddy laying on top of Mommy and moving back and forth. He asks his parents what they are doing. Dad says "well son were making you a baby sister."
Johnny ponders this for a few moments before saying " flip her over dad I don't want a little sister I want a puppy!"

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk
 
#36 ·
I want in, Mike!!! My all-time favorite...

A man had just accepted his new job as a door-to-door Bible salesman and was introducing himself to his new co-workers.

It quickly became clear that the man had a severe stutter and the other workers began to make fun of him for it. But by the end of the week when the man had sold over 1,000 Bibles, the other workers were very impressed and stopped making fun of him.

"How did you manage to sell that many Bibles in a week?", they all asked the stuttering salesman.

"It's r-really s-s-simple," he said. " I just go up and kn-knock on the d-door and when th-they open it, I s-say, 'W-would you li-like to b-buy this Bi-Bible or d-do you w-want me t-to r-rea-read it t-to you?'"
 
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