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326 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!' Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesusapproaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,............

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability'

1,432 Posts
Very good mitch, princess I AM A SCOUSER it is someone born in liverpool

611 Posts
Princess said:
LMAO! That's funny....and so true....but what's a Scouser ?

Scousers tend to be of the burglar persuasion, and often steal car radios. All scousers support either Liverpool or Everton and would happily rape and murder a family of supporters of the enemy team. Princess Diana, after being the first famous person to openly hold and touch people with AIDS, said "I'm not touching one of those dirty scouse scum." (Well I guess she deserved to die then) Mother Teresa's words in the same situation can never be repeated. (And her)

The Tell Tale Signs

Once infected, the person's taste in hairstyle, clothes, IQ and voice is severely diminished leaving him with the tell-tale unkempt afro, afro-moustache, silly voice, violent nature, constant saying of the word "eh?" and can of Special Brew super strength lager. Despite this affliction scousers are known as well balanced individuals which is demonstrated by the fact that they have a chip on both shoulders. This is also confirmed by the paranoid attitude which exhibits itself in a victim culture attitude that someone or everyone is against them. Indeed the mere offer of a job to a scouser will result in a tirade about the capitalist taking advantage of them by expecting them to work after 3 generatuions of their family have successfully managed to avoid any semblance of work. Typically a scouser will vote Labour if a donkey stood as candidate in the sure beleif that their giros will be certain to keep arriving as the labour party see the whole of Merseyside as supporter heaven.

Learn Scouse Fast

If you can't beat the Scouse, join the Scouse! Here's all you need to know!

[*]sly/arlarse/tight = unfair---
[*]munney = cash---
[*]munneyshitter = cash machine---
[*]bender = homosexual---
[*]nicked/grafted = stolen---
[*]Bezzie = best friend/mate---
[*]class = marvelous---
[*]Crimbo = Christmas---
[*]Ciggie = a cigarette---
[*]*** = defective---
[*]fuckin wool = person from Saint Helens
[*]Footy = Football---
[*]les/*** = ***---
[*]scum/pigs/bisie/rozzers/titheads = police---
[*]gorra = got---
[*]gorroff(as in "I gorroff with her")= got some
[*]smashed/pissed/bevvied/rat-arsed = drunk---
[*]butt = headbutt---
[*]bifter = cigarette---
[*]lecky = electric---
[*]sexy ho = Your mum---
[*]quid = pound---
[*]alass = out of order---
[*]ozzy = hospital---
[*]offy = store that sells primarily alcohol
[*]asif = overtime---
[*]Queen = term of endearment for women---
[*]*** = homosexual---
[*]flid/dumfuk = stupid---
[*]retarded mong = stupid---
[*]*** 'edd = stupid---
[*]Spaced out/blitz/stoned/monged = on drugs---
[*]Shite = see ***.
[*]blade = a special, sharp, pointy friend---
[*]ah clurrgh = Our Claire
[*]smackhed = you---
[*]fukin ell shu up = good God, SHUT UP!
[*]speccy **** = individual with glasses
[*]de sun = toilet paper
[*]yerwah? = What was that?
[*]Goff!! = Individual
[*]Propa' Hellshot = Good shot old chap
[*]Anno Lad = I am aware
[*]Iz rite lad = I agree
[*]the scum = Manchester United/the sun newspaper
[*]Ckkalm dowwwn Ckkalm dowwwn = calm down chap your manner is beginning to become out of hand.
[*]Me Ma'll deck ya = (If you persist in this) my mother will hit you [/list]

Premium Member
5,858 Posts
nmbillr said:
Me Ma'll deck ya = (If you persist in this) my mother will hit you

me sue'll deck ya - boy when i make her read this - youll have to be right 'nimble' nmbillr

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Sueremembers a primary school teacher in Liverpool asking the class to name a king or queen - yes Roger? - King 'enry the 'aith miss!? - very good Roger, she replied - now Mary what's yours? - Queen Mary miss!? - yes that's a good one, now Simon you've got your hand up - D!ck the Sh!t miss!? - now Simon i don't remember that name! - the boy sitting next to Simon gave him a nudge and said... ya mean Richardda Turd ya idiot!
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